Advice: Ask the Gear Queen

Title:  Ask the Gear Queen
Date(s) of creation:  February, 1995
Creator / author / publisher:  April Miller, FaT GiRL
Physical description:
 Page says “ask the gear queen” at the top, with a gray drawing behind the text of a harpy, which resembles a mix of a bird and a queen. The page has two columns of text, with the letter submission on the top left, and the Gear Queen’s response on the rest of the page.
Reference #:  FG2-019-GearQueen
 [ PDF ]

a drawing of a harpy, which resembles a mix of a bird and a queen

Dear Gear Queen, 

My girlfriend is a big-assed girl with a huge low-hang­ing voluptuous belly. Our problem? Skid marks in her skivvies-a PAINFUL subject for both of us. It’s not something I’ve heard other big fat women talk about, but when you reach a certain size it becomes increasingly difficult to wipe and pre­sent a spanking-clean asshole to the world. It affects her self­ esteem and sex life. I know there must be creative fat dykes out there who deal with this same problem on a daily basis and have found solutions for both home and travel toilet situations. HELP!?!?! 

yours in worship, 

Searching for a clean hole 

Dear Searching, 

Just about the time I moved from queen sized to supersized I attended a workshop/discussion for supersized women at a local NAAFA conference. It was the first time I ever heard toi­leting and wiping problems discussed, and it really freaked me out. It also made me really glad to discover that I was not the only one to have these difficulties. 

Thank you for giving me the perfect opportunity to cover the topic, and please bear with me as I give some background to the uninitiated. 

The basic problem is a species design flaw: Arms don’t grow longer as needed. As the depth of your body grows the distance from armpit over belly to asshole increases, and there comes a point where your hand just can’t reach your asshole anymore. But fear not! Depending on the configuration of your body and the arrangement of the toilet area in question, there are all sorts of things you can do. 

Use a bigger stall 

Sometimes if you spread your legs just 2 or 6 inches wider your goal will be in reach. Try taking down the tampon disposal box that’s sticking into your thigh, using the handicapped stall, or sitting sideways on toilets that are jammed into a corner with lots of space on one side and half an inch on the other. 

Try a different angle 

See if holding your stomach out of the way helps. If you’ve got a smaller butt, maybe wiping from the back is the solution? Or try standing with one foot resting on the toilet seat (like the instructions for putting in tampons), or crouching, or some combination. 

Use something to extend your reach 

It can be anything that is long enough, appropriately soft and absorbent, and washable or disposable. I remember women at the NAAFA gathering suggesting the kind of kitchen pot scrubbers with a foam head and hollow handle designed for liquid soap. I imagine you could also use: 

  • wooden or plastic cooking spoons with toilet paper wrapped around the bowl.
  • foam-rubber paintbrushes.
  • the kind of kitchen scrubby thing that has a ball of foam wedges or string at the end.
  • long strips ripped from an old sheet that you pull between your ass cheeks while holding it taut in both the front and back (like a back scrubber for your butt).

Just be careful not to use things that could injure your anus (scouring pads, brushes, etc.) and remember that if you are picking an item to use away from home you need something lightweight that you can: store in your purse or bag (unless you don’t mind explaining why you always take that piece of vacu­um-cleaner hose with you to the bathroom); throw away or rinse out (probably in the toilet: flush, rinse your gear, and flush again); store in a zip-lock bag until you get home or somewhere it can be thoroughly washed and dried.

Use a bidet

Now I have to admit that my only experience with bidets was at my mother’s house in Turkey, where the bidet’s water spout was carefully positioned to shoot a stream of water at my right ass cheek-not at all useful. However, I believe they are sup­posed to be used to shoot a stream of clean water over your ass and pussy until they are squeaky clean (if somewhat damp). As a lower-cost alternative to remodeling your bathroom, one was developed by Bill Sabrey, and is sold through Amplestuff, PO Box 116, Bearsville, NY 12409. It’s a 2-gallon jug with an attached pump handle and tube that attaches (with wire and a suction cup) under the seat of your toilet. A travel-sized version is also available.

Incidentally, this problem is related to another one that may be familiar to some of you: Incorrectly fitted dildo harnesses. Most leatherworkers will understand it if you show them that the hip band they’ve provided is too short to go around your hips. And they are usually happy to make you a larger one. (If they aren’t, go to another leatherworker!) However, if the length of the anchor straps-you know, the part that goes between your legs like a g-string or jock strap-isn’t also sufficiently length­ened they will pull the hip band low on your body and make the whole arrangement rather … precarious.

Ah, the joys of being deep as well as wide.

Anyway, I hope I’ve helped you find a workable solution. Wishing you and your girl a lifetime of clean undies,

Gear Queen